Tag Archives: funny

Proof I’ll never get a girlfriend -Irritating letter

Note: This conversation happened after I commented on her Facebook picture saying “Is your face painted?” It was actually some photo effects.

Anisha Giri: Ok listen here… I don’t know you very much to begin with. And you are asking if I painted my face. Let me take that as an inquisitive comment rather than something sarcastic. I’m deleting your comment. And please don’t write such things again. Thank you.

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Your face looked like it was painted. If you don’t want people to see it and comment, just make your pictures private. And I don’t care if you deleted that comment or not, nobody cares.

Anisha Giri: even if it did.. its non of ur business .. actually was being polite to u… but i din realis that u r such a ashole.. its upto me whether i follow the privacy term or not.. but thnk u for letting me know… i shall be careful next time.

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar:  Yes I am an assholes. Internet is full of assholes, why do you expect me to comment ‘oh you look beautiful’ when you look like you just played Indian festival of color -Holy.

Anisha Giri: and also din realize there r ppl in fb ..my fren list..wer ppl are desperate to comment on sb pic.. also in such a barbaric manner… hmm. haha u write like woman. man..i am nt gud with message quarell.. i rather stop it here

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Yea, I was so desperate to comment on your picture. What do you think you are? Some king of celebrity or something off Rotten tomato’s ‘top worst celebrity of the year’ list?

Anisha Giri: perhaps i am.. just chill dude
i dont really want this ok?
ok whatever
i look painted.. fine.. agreed
Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: What’s happening with girls these days? PMS?

Anisha Giri: well.. now u want me to answer that?

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Why do you expect only positive comment that are comprised of lies? Why are there no room for true opinion? Just this morning I had to slap my girlfriend real hard, because she didn’t like when I told her that she looked like a pig.

Anisha Giri: oh don’t mistake me… i do have a room for criticism but that i take from ppl i know..whether they are worth for it or not… and u my dear friend.. i kno nth abt u except for ur name… fb name
hmm..so much for a gentleman

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: You know what? Why don’t we fight dual and solve this forever? You want justice, I want truth. Let’s have a combat and solve this.

Anisha Giri: no no.. no justice needed…thnks…gtg

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: No, Lets meet at Centenary Park, 5 PM, tomorrow for a fight. Are we allowed to carry weapons? I am sure I will win.

Anisha Giri: i am sure u will. What weapon? Are you serious?

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Yea sure, like a man.

Anisha Giri: of course.. are u insecure of ur masculinity? Now that u r arguing with a woman.. also inside a chat box

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: You are a women? I thought you were a man. You look like a man

Anisha Giri: i will take that as a compliment
u know wat im just too bored to argue… like fucking high school teen..stop it.
i look like a man.. holi face… watever the fuck
i dont fucking care.

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: You know what? World is full of thorns. You can either try to create a huge carpet to cover all the Thorne or u can just wear a shoe.

Anisha Giri: ok mr. philosopher…i will keep that in mind

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Don’t you call me philosopher, women. Don’t you dare. I hate those old retards with wits of a donkey.

Anisha Giri: so much for a comment..

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Yea you started. M depressed now, how can u be so rude? Why is everyone hurting me? I feel like committing suicide. My girlfriend broke up with me just for slapping her, now u with all your foul languages and irreverent commentary like I didn’t have enough rough day. I have never seen a person ruder than you.

Anisha Giri: really? u know im sorry bout ur gf.. im sure things will be ok… i wasnt rude.. i was asking u nt to do sth..in a polite way.. u wanted to argue. Anyway, just flush it

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: A dog also chased me n bit me on my thigh. Just before that I slipped on cow dung and hit my nose on the ground. And now you are challenging me for a dual, calling me asshole, and using all those profane languages. Who taught you those?

Anisha Giri: u know wat i thin u r decent guy.. so i take back calling u shit, using words
but please dont strt another arguement here, really not in a mood.

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: It hurts me. I never use those words to others. I don’t like someone using that on me

Anisha Giri: u said horrible things to me

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Truth is horrible. I was on mobile screen, and it looks like u painted your face. That’s why I asked you in the first place.

Anisha Giri: its cool, i told u i would take that comment as an inquisitive question n not sarcasm.

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: It’s not cool, I want to fight dual, and you called me asshole. Do you know that an ass-hole refers to a rectum of an anus?

Anisha Giri: but i have to delet it. ok please suit ursel
suit urself… u know no point of arguement here
ok.. glad to know, really don have time for this…

Funny memoirs of an angry traveler

It wasn’t a wonderful morning; I was awakened by an irritating sound of pesky crows. My journey began from Phuentsholing. The weather was great except for the heavy rain and hailstone. I sense a bad luck today as I had a really bad dream where I was being chased by a giant black buffalo with a rifle and chainsaw. Grandma explained me over phone that such dream was a clear sign of misfortune and it would require me to immediately sacrifice a goat and burn a witch to detour the omen.  The day before wasn’t great either; as I was showering I stepped on the soap, slipped, fell facedown and hit my mouth on the floor knocking out all the front teeth and fracturing my jaw bone. While I was slowly getting up, I again stepped on the soap and fell inside the hot water with the live current still on. I had to run around the town without shirt, in my boxer short with bleeding mouth and unwashed shampoo searching for a medical store.

I reached the taxi parking. Twelve people were accommodated in a six-seater vehicle. Luckily I was on the window side. I would rather prefer being punched in my balls than imagine myself traveling a day long journey in a taxi full of strange people and playing same bengali song in loop for the entire journey. Next to me was a young Bihari girl, and after her was a big headed, short, fat and a dark guy, I forgot what other nine looked like except for one who stopped the car every fifteen minute or so due to  diarrhea. He looked identical to the guy from the movie ‘God must be crazy.’ I hated that movie anyways.

“Oh, excuse me! Could you please stop squeezing me, miss not so pretty?”  (“NO, YOU CANT CALL SOME ONE UGLY.”) “Yes I can.” The big headed guy reminded me of a boy named Tashi in my primary school whom the kids hated because of his huge head and big nose. Everyone would shout “there goes the big head” when he walked by and we would throw rocks and sticks at him. Tashi was later expelled from school when he was caught red-handed trying to hump a goat. Although Tashi had his own shares of bad as we all do, Tashi was a great swimmer and a talented grocery thief. The voice of the guy behind me is really irritating one, isn’t it? It’s almost two hours now but he’s not finished shouting over phone to his girlfriend for kissing with a guy named Pravesh; shouting at her for her reluctance to say sorry.

An elderly man in front of me, trying to convince his co-passenger about why he should vote for his party while admitting his hatred for the current ruling party for their fake promises  to build an airport in his village.

I am frustrated, I just realized an hour ago when I opened my phone to listen to music, that I left my battery in my hotel room docked in an external charger back at Phuentsholing. But the real reason for my frustration is more because of the Bihari girl vomiting on my lap for the second time.

Going through the roughest, most flooded and eroded road, I managed to glance at the sign that read ‘BRO BUILDS THE BEST ROAD IN THE AREA.’ “So this is what you call best, Mr. BRO? Or did someone misspell worst for best? Sometimes a little typo could really shatter our expectation, Mr. BRO.” The guy behind me still isn’t done shouting to his girlfriend. Now he is describing the memories he had with her; some bitter and some fond, stating how he remembers everything about her including the names of her seven cats.

Thank God, I have finally reached Sikkim although I landed in a wrong place thirty kilometers away from my destination in the opposite direction. Traveling with a co-passenger devoid of manners and respect for others is worse than sharing a sleeping bag with a grizzly bear.

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You are a douche bag!

Note: This conversation Happened in Facebook comment.
Me:
Who’s this douche?
Noyan:
What to do :P.
Me:
Check urban dictionary for douche 😛
Noyan:
 What the fuck man?? I know from where you learn this shit. Girlfriend experience huh. No wonder  why your ex-girlfriends call u a douche. But yes dude I admit that I learned it only when I heard your ex say “aw this donkey turned out to be a douche..” You know what I mean.. Don’t you?
Me:
 Absolutely, I even heard your ex call you douche bag. You know what? last time she threw a party to about 100 friends just to declare you a douche. And we all cheered “In the name of douche Nayan” before we sipped our vodka. To the crowd’s embarrassment she even mentioned about your tiny penis. But the real reason I call you a douche is after you blacked out during our show in Gelephu. later, still unconscious, you even peed in your pant. Did you remember?

Noyan: You retarded crack head!!  Your shit sounds so superficial, cooked up and unreal. Especially the number exactly being  “100”? WTF!!! Talking about the blacked out story during our show in Gelephu flash, that night was freaking cold and we all took few sips just to heat us up before  the gig actually got kicked off rite? Well I don’t remember pissing my pant but you did poop in your borrowed patched baggy cargo half pant later that night. Dude you know very well that I’m a tanker and few sips don’t even drench my throat but I don’t know why you had to take a sip if you had so low capacity?

Me: The Number 100 I mentioned was an approximate one but I’m sure there were more. I left early cause your ex started to vomit all over and curse your name. I am pretty sure she had a fight cause next day when  I went over to thank her for the party, her eye was swollen with dark spot with two missing tooth. As I was about to leave, I saw my teddy bear which went missing since a year on her table. When I asked her where did she find it; she said that you gave her for her birthday.
Coming back to the show, I still remember how horribly you sang the song ‘Zinda.’ later when a lady pointed out that you were only repeating the same stanza again and again humming through the most part, you blamed that it’s Toka’s fault on the bass. You repeated the same song for almost 35 minute till a guy threw a tomato at you and that’s when you blacked out.
I don’t know what happened but later that night, Rabgay came over to my place accusing that you stole his sneaker and a boxer short that he left outside for drying and asked me to inform him if I saw you wearing one. But I didn’t tell him that you bragged about the shoe during the show and asked the crowd to clap for your force-10 sneaker.

Noyan: Ha ha.. Here you are with another insensible shit again. Nobody sings for fucking 35 minute. Just imagine how would’ve been the condition of your nuts on drums if I sang for that long? And c’mon! man u know my size. How on earth could you think that Rabgay’s boxer  & shoes would fit me? You know very well  about his feet size n butt size. lmfao! :p
But I still regret about that awful night buddy, when you were singing “Resham” and you threw yourself off the stage over the crowd thinking that people would catch you but you slammed directly on the floor busting your nuts & few jaw bones. Your teeth were replaced with duplicate one later but again the bottom line is you still remained a douche “tiny p*****” :p

Me: I asked Toka an hour ago over phone and he said it was actually 37 minutes. He also mentioned that you offered to give him a blowjob in exchange for 20 dollar. When another guy from the audience came on stage and sang “Knocking on the Heavens Door” everyone applauded him for saving the day, but you envied him and challenged him to fight.  I just saw you running towards the store, but 5 minute later you came back to the stage with a running chainsaw threatening everyone to applaud for you.
The ladies and elder men left the hall in embarrassment after you sang  Afroman’s ‘Colt 45’ with microphone in one hand and the power chainsaw on the other, forcing everyone to sing-along.  Everyone agreed that you read out the lyric instead of singing it, often stopping to ask me for the pronunciation.
While singing, your over sized boxer short fell off revealing your worn out underwear; though there was screaming and police involved and everyone agreed that it was the worst horror-nightmare of their life.
The next day, our principle gave me a one hour lecture on how one rotten apple can spoil the whole basket while pointing out your name.

Noyan: If you post this shit on your blog, I’ll kill you asshole.

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Funny Letter to my landlord

From: Jigme Ngedup | Date: Thursday 2 june 2011 10. 08am | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: House Rent
Hello Mr. Bishnu,
I am the manager for the building you are living in. Seems like u have not paid the house rent for last two month.  I sent the assistant girl several times but you were never at the house. And she even reports of you not opening the door even after several ringing of the door bell. I had to write you email because I couldn’t contact you and the phone number you gave me seems to be a wrong one as somebody picks up the call whenever I call you n replies in Kheng kha.
I would like to request you to please drop by my office which is in the second floor to pay the rent. Thanking you and hoping for your cooperation.
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Thursday 2 june 2011  12.14pm | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: House Rent 
Dear Manager Sir,
I was actually very much touched by your letter and for concerning about my health. I am fine now and I have recently stopped taking medicine.
Ooh, that time I was not at home because I was at the jail due to human bone smuggling (Please tell me if anyone of your relatives die as their bone can provide pretty lucrative business). I am recently planning to extend my business towards kidney trade too although i need prayer from wellwishers like you. The reason why I didn’t open the door to your said Assistant was because when I saw from the peep hole, her ugly face appeared to me like a zombie from Evil Dead II. So I didn’t open the door for my own safety.
Regarding the phone number, the number was initially mine. But then, I exchanged it with a villager’s Yak. It was a very weak and nervous yak with a continuous shooting diarrhea. I was coming back while riding that yak when I was attacked by a bear on the way and it killed my yak. And that’s how I lost my yak and the mobile phone.
As a payment for the rent, I have attached your drawing.  The art costs around 12,000 but you can keep the change.
Thanking you
Binu kumar
From: Jigme Ngedup | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 11.02am | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Bishnu,
I don’t know what to tell of your email. To be frank I found it a little irritating, though it might be true. And I hope you are just joking about the bone smuggling as we might have to terminate your residency if it’s true because we don’t allow criminals.
We don’t accept silly drawings for the payment. You may pay in cheque or cash if you wish to stay in the building. Please you cannot call her ugly, she is pretty.
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 11.33am | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Re: Re: House Rent 
Dear Manager Sir,
Over a period of time, people have called me with their own names like faggot, gay, retard, thief, asshole, jack ass, coward, homo and many more. You may make yourself comfortable with any above names (Asshole is my favorite name though, but you may call faggot as well) or you may come up with your own creative version.
As for the leftover yak carcass, though I had to fight with the hyenas and Wild Bobcats for my share; I, pretty much managed to get intestines, one testicle, tail and both horns. I would like to give you the horn as you can use your creative villager skill to turn it into a trumpet or you can also turn it into salt container.
I knew you will not be impressed with my drawings and rather regard it as silly; because I didn’t do your mustache correctly. My bad, please allow me to present you with totally new and lively, more fun version of ur portrait.
As for you seeing her as pretty, it clearly shows that you are a pedophile.
Thank you
Binu
 From: Jigme Ngedup | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 02.04pm | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Bishnu,
I don’t wish to call you with all those names and it is out of my concern. And please take it seriously and whatever, we don’t accept drawings and please stop sending. If you don’t pay the rent by this Saturday, I am sorry to tell you that your residency will be terminated. How dare you call me pedophile? The assistant is like my daughter.
And also we have a reported complaint regarding you playing music too loud late night, which disturbs the neighbor.  Please use headphones.
Can I get your number so that I can call you to clarify?
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 02.42pm | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Manager Sir,
Yes, the cockroaches are unavoidable. I tried smashing them with the slipper but over the time their number has outgrown beyond my capabilities to smash.  So I will attach a polythene pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. The cockroaches would probably die of carbon Monoxide poisoning from the car smoke. The walls might become black with the smoke but it’ll be worth it.
About the music, I actually use head phones. The music I play at high volume, which probably disturbed the neighbor, is not for my entertainment purpose but to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my batman pajama while I am working with high music on the headphone or asleep.
I understand that the noise could hamper the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbors so I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons.
My new number is +975 176906547833920876.
Thank you
Binu

From:
 Jigme Ngedup | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 04.11pm | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Bishnu,
Firstly the building has no complain regarding the cockroaches and secondly you are seriously warned regarding your retarded idea of killing the cockroaches with car smoke. This could lead firstly to fire outbreak and secondly a risk to your own life.
No, you cannot play music and hence you are seriously warned regarding this. You cannot spoil the walls so forget about the soundproofing. And you cannot damage the walls.
This is last warning to you. If you fail to cooperate please find another house within this month.  I came several times to your house, it’s always locked. Are you joking me with your telephone number?
Please stop irritating me. Remember, this Saturday is the last day for you to pay your rent.
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 07.35pm | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Manager Sir,
My kitchen has cockroaches. I read somewhere that a cockroach can survive nuclear radiation. So I am picking the dead ones and sticking them together in order to cover my walls with the dead cockroach cover to prevent nuclear radiations from penetrating my room thus saving me through the nuclear war.
And regarding your concern about putting my life to risk with the car smoke, I would like to let you know that I am using the oxygen mask that I stole from the hospital. And car smoke is not flammable so no question of the fire outbreak. And yes car gas could cause harm. I had one friend back at school who used to brag that he can inhale car smoke. So we took him towards the car parking and made him to put the smoke outlet pipe in his mouth and we waited for the teacher to start the car. We watched from far while the teacher started the car.  He could hold it for one minute. The angry teacher came out of the car to find him acting dead. Later on we realized he was really unconscious and he was taken to the hospital where he luckily survived. For the rest of us who were waiting with the stop watch to see how long he could hold the smoke; we were suspended for one month.
Sorry for the long number, it was my cat who slept on the keyboard that typed all those long number. Not me.
Binu

From:
 Jigme Ngedup | Date: Monday  5 june 2011 09.45am | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Final Worning
You are really a retarded person. I will not reply. I am tired of explaining you. Make it by Saturday or get out of my house. I don’t need any explanation.
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Monday  5 june 2011 11.42am | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Final Worning
Dear Manager Sir,
Thanks for accepting the drawing for payment. In which case I would like to make advanced payment for next month with the drawing of you and your wife together. I will attach the drawing tomorrow.
With Love
Binu