Tag Archives: funny email

I’ll report you to the police – Funny & Irritating letter

Note: This conversation happened after I posted an irritating post in B-bay. See the ad. below.

“Old, rusted, punctured Hercules-cycle for sale. Please do not ride in Gelephu coz  that’s where I stole it from. To make it a fair deal, I’d like to give away a bag of karma feed and one XXX-L army pant. Contact 17362200

Dorji: I’ll report to police..

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Thanks for the interest. Actually I value the cycle for 1200, but u seem to be a good guy so I’ll give you for 800. And also I’d like to add a pair of used woolen socks. Please wash the socks before use, as it stinks real bad and also my dog pissed on it. When are you coming to get it? Although I have another willing buyer who just messaged  me right now, but I will have to make you both fight and the winner gets to buy my bi-cycle.

Dorji: m not interested to buy ur scrap asshole…rather want to inform police for ur theft..

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: I know Nu.800 for a scrape bi-cycle was way too much. Despite that, I do appreciate your interest. Tell you what, I’ll bump the price down to 650 but I get to keep the front wheel and pedal chain. However I’d like to give away home made mosquito repellent for free, just so that you don’t feel like you are losing on the deal. The repellent is good to kill mosquitoes however side-effect includes nausea, vomiting, partial blindness, permanent blindness, skin infection, and in some cases even death; use with caution. Did you know that if you report your vehicle stolen or lost the insurance company will buy you a new one? I am burning my car to claim a new one.

Dorji: man u r unfit here,, i worry what mentality u have

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar‎: I m touched by your worry 4 my health, happiness and social acceptance. You caught me out dorji. Your super sleuth detective skills have once again outwitted me. I do agree to your professional diagnosis and admit that I am  indeed mentally unsound. Back in my village I was called cruel names like psycho and Ghantawkey not only because of my mentality but also the big size of me head. Kids would even throw stones at me. I used to sell milk in the same bi-cycle (it belonged to my uncle then), although my lucrative business was later banned after people found out that I was selling them goat milk. That’s when I stole the cycle and ran away. The village mob later mistook my grandmother for a witch and almost burnt her alive. No more discount please, I really need the money coz I am destitute of food and alcohol for about a week now. I am surviving on a diet of dead mice and lizards. 😦

Dorji: dnt pollute man… be-aware

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: ‎ I do respect your pollution free philosophy. And to be frank I am also totally against pollution. But to both of our delight, my cycle does not run on gas or petrol so the question of pollution is out of the bound. However, while riding uphill I did fart; which I admit, might have added to the pollution.

Attached is the picture of possible pollution with the fart.

Dorji: What the heck??? Dont reply me.. Admin plez delete this post and block this mad guy..

Note: Lucky for me, I copied the whole conversation before it was deleted. 😛

Funny Letter to my landlord

From: Jigme Ngedup | Date: Thursday 2 june 2011 10. 08am | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: House Rent
Hello Mr. Bishnu,
I am the manager for the building you are living in. Seems like u have not paid the house rent for last two month.  I sent the assistant girl several times but you were never at the house. And she even reports of you not opening the door even after several ringing of the door bell. I had to write you email because I couldn’t contact you and the phone number you gave me seems to be a wrong one as somebody picks up the call whenever I call you n replies in Kheng kha.
I would like to request you to please drop by my office which is in the second floor to pay the rent. Thanking you and hoping for your cooperation.
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Thursday 2 june 2011  12.14pm | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: House Rent 
Dear Manager Sir,
I was actually very much touched by your letter and for concerning about my health. I am fine now and I have recently stopped taking medicine.
Ooh, that time I was not at home because I was at the jail due to human bone smuggling (Please tell me if anyone of your relatives die as their bone can provide pretty lucrative business). I am recently planning to extend my business towards kidney trade too although i need prayer from wellwishers like you. The reason why I didn’t open the door to your said Assistant was because when I saw from the peep hole, her ugly face appeared to me like a zombie from Evil Dead II. So I didn’t open the door for my own safety.
Regarding the phone number, the number was initially mine. But then, I exchanged it with a villager’s Yak. It was a very weak and nervous yak with a continuous shooting diarrhea. I was coming back while riding that yak when I was attacked by a bear on the way and it killed my yak. And that’s how I lost my yak and the mobile phone.
As a payment for the rent, I have attached your drawing.  The art costs around 12,000 but you can keep the change.
Thanking you
Binu kumar
From: Jigme Ngedup | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 11.02am | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Bishnu,
I don’t know what to tell of your email. To be frank I found it a little irritating, though it might be true. And I hope you are just joking about the bone smuggling as we might have to terminate your residency if it’s true because we don’t allow criminals.
We don’t accept silly drawings for the payment. You may pay in cheque or cash if you wish to stay in the building. Please you cannot call her ugly, she is pretty.
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 11.33am | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Re: Re: House Rent 
Dear Manager Sir,
Over a period of time, people have called me with their own names like faggot, gay, retard, thief, asshole, jack ass, coward, homo and many more. You may make yourself comfortable with any above names (Asshole is my favorite name though, but you may call faggot as well) or you may come up with your own creative version.
As for the leftover yak carcass, though I had to fight with the hyenas and Wild Bobcats for my share; I, pretty much managed to get intestines, one testicle, tail and both horns. I would like to give you the horn as you can use your creative villager skill to turn it into a trumpet or you can also turn it into salt container.
I knew you will not be impressed with my drawings and rather regard it as silly; because I didn’t do your mustache correctly. My bad, please allow me to present you with totally new and lively, more fun version of ur portrait.
As for you seeing her as pretty, it clearly shows that you are a pedophile.
Thank you
Binu
 From: Jigme Ngedup | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 02.04pm | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Bishnu,
I don’t wish to call you with all those names and it is out of my concern. And please take it seriously and whatever, we don’t accept drawings and please stop sending. If you don’t pay the rent by this Saturday, I am sorry to tell you that your residency will be terminated. How dare you call me pedophile? The assistant is like my daughter.
And also we have a reported complaint regarding you playing music too loud late night, which disturbs the neighbor.  Please use headphones.
Can I get your number so that I can call you to clarify?
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 02.42pm | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Manager Sir,
Yes, the cockroaches are unavoidable. I tried smashing them with the slipper but over the time their number has outgrown beyond my capabilities to smash.  So I will attach a polythene pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. The cockroaches would probably die of carbon Monoxide poisoning from the car smoke. The walls might become black with the smoke but it’ll be worth it.
About the music, I actually use head phones. The music I play at high volume, which probably disturbed the neighbor, is not for my entertainment purpose but to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my batman pajama while I am working with high music on the headphone or asleep.
I understand that the noise could hamper the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbors so I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons.
My new number is +975 176906547833920876.
Thank you
Binu

From:
 Jigme Ngedup | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 04.11pm | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Bishnu,
Firstly the building has no complain regarding the cockroaches and secondly you are seriously warned regarding your retarded idea of killing the cockroaches with car smoke. This could lead firstly to fire outbreak and secondly a risk to your own life.
No, you cannot play music and hence you are seriously warned regarding this. You cannot spoil the walls so forget about the soundproofing. And you cannot damage the walls.
This is last warning to you. If you fail to cooperate please find another house within this month.  I came several times to your house, it’s always locked. Are you joking me with your telephone number?
Please stop irritating me. Remember, this Saturday is the last day for you to pay your rent.
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 07.35pm | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Manager Sir,
My kitchen has cockroaches. I read somewhere that a cockroach can survive nuclear radiation. So I am picking the dead ones and sticking them together in order to cover my walls with the dead cockroach cover to prevent nuclear radiations from penetrating my room thus saving me through the nuclear war.
And regarding your concern about putting my life to risk with the car smoke, I would like to let you know that I am using the oxygen mask that I stole from the hospital. And car smoke is not flammable so no question of the fire outbreak. And yes car gas could cause harm. I had one friend back at school who used to brag that he can inhale car smoke. So we took him towards the car parking and made him to put the smoke outlet pipe in his mouth and we waited for the teacher to start the car. We watched from far while the teacher started the car.  He could hold it for one minute. The angry teacher came out of the car to find him acting dead. Later on we realized he was really unconscious and he was taken to the hospital where he luckily survived. For the rest of us who were waiting with the stop watch to see how long he could hold the smoke; we were suspended for one month.
Sorry for the long number, it was my cat who slept on the keyboard that typed all those long number. Not me.
Binu

From:
 Jigme Ngedup | Date: Monday  5 june 2011 09.45am | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Final Worning
You are really a retarded person. I will not reply. I am tired of explaining you. Make it by Saturday or get out of my house. I don’t need any explanation.
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Monday  5 june 2011 11.42am | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Final Worning
Dear Manager Sir,
Thanks for accepting the drawing for payment. In which case I would like to make advanced payment for next month with the drawing of you and your wife together. I will attach the drawing tomorrow.
With Love
Binu