Tag Archives: creative email

You are a douche bag!

Note: This conversation Happened in Facebook comment.
Me:
Who’s this douche?
Noyan:
What to do :P.
Me:
Check urban dictionary for douche ūüėõ
Noyan:
¬†What the fuck man?? I know from where you learn this shit. Girlfriend experience huh. No wonder ¬†why your ex-girlfriends call u a douche. But yes dude I admit that I learned it only when I heard your ex say “aw this donkey turned out to be a douche..” You know what I mean.. Don’t you?
Me:
¬†Absolutely, I even heard your ex call you douche bag. You know what? last time she threw a party to about 100 friends just to declare you a douche. And we all cheered “In the name of douche Nayan” before we sipped our vodka. To the crowd’s embarrassment she even mentioned about your tiny penis. But the real reason I call you a douche is after you blacked out during our show in Gelephu. later, still unconscious, you even peed in your pant. Did you remember?

Noyan: You retarded crack head!! ¬†Your shit sounds so superficial, cooked up and unreal. Especially the number exactly being ¬†“100”? WTF!!! Talking about the blacked out story during our show in Gelephu flash, that night was freaking cold and we all took few sips just to heat us up before ¬†the gig actually got kicked off rite? Well I don’t remember pissing my pant but you did poop in your borrowed patched baggy cargo half pant later that night. Dude you know very well that I’m a tanker and few sips don’t even drench my throat but I don’t know why you had to take a sip if you had so low capacity?

Me: The Number 100 I mentioned was an approximate one but I’m sure there were more. I left early cause your ex started to vomit all over and curse your name. I am pretty sure she had a fight cause next day when¬† I went over to thank her for the party, her eye was swollen with dark spot with two missing tooth. As I was about to leave, I saw my teddy bear which went missing since a year on her table. When I asked her where did she find it; she said that you gave her for her birthday.
Coming back to the show, I still remember how horribly you sang the song ‘Zinda.’ later when a lady pointed out that you were only repeating the same stanza again and again humming through the most part, you blamed that it’s Toka’s fault on the bass. You repeated the same song for almost 35 minute till a guy threw a tomato at you and that’s when you blacked out.
I don’t know what happened but later that night, Rabgay came over to my place accusing that you stole his sneaker and a boxer short that he left outside for drying and asked me to inform him if I saw you wearing one. But I didn’t tell him that you bragged about the shoe during the show and asked the crowd to clap for your force-10 sneaker.

Noyan: Ha ha.. Here you are with another insensible shit again. Nobody sings for fucking 35 minute. Just imagine how would’ve been the condition of your nuts on drums if I sang for that long? And c’mon! man u know my size. How on earth could you think that Rabgay’s boxer ¬†& shoes would fit me? You know very well ¬†about his feet size n butt size. lmfao! :p
But I still regret about that awful night buddy, when you were singing “Resham” and you threw yourself off the stage over the crowd thinking that people would catch you but you slammed directly on the floor busting your nuts & few jaw bones. Your teeth were replaced with duplicate one later but again the bottom line is you still remained a douche “tiny p*****” :p

Me: I asked Toka an hour ago over phone and he said it was actually 37 minutes. He also mentioned that you offered to give him a blowjob in exchange for 20 dollar. When another guy from the audience came on stage and sang “Knocking on the Heavens Door” everyone applauded him for saving the day, but you envied him and challenged him to fight. ¬†I just saw you running towards the store, but 5 minute later you came back to the stage with a running chainsaw threatening everyone to applaud for you.
The ladies and elder men left the hall in embarrassment after you sang¬† Afroman’s ‘Colt 45’ with microphone in one hand and the power chainsaw on the other, forcing everyone to sing-along. ¬†Everyone agreed that you read out the lyric instead of singing it, often stopping to ask me for the pronunciation.
While singing, your over sized boxer short fell off revealing your worn out underwear; though there was screaming and police involved and everyone agreed that it was the worst horror-nightmare of their life.
The next day, our principle gave me a one hour lecture on how one rotten apple can spoil the whole basket while pointing out your name.

Noyan: If you post this shit on your blog, I’ll kill you asshole.

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WE DONT ACCEPT COW AS COLLEGE FEE (Funny Letter)

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Saturday 27 August 2011 01. 27pm | To: Roy Rajesh | Subject: Re: No Subject

Swadikhab Mr. Rajesh,
I am not that fine and currently am admitted in the hospital.  It was a hot evening, so me and my friends planned to go to nearby river for a swim. It was already dusk when we decided to come back home. While searching for my belt in the dark I mistakenly picked a cobra. I was immediately taken to the local black magic performer who decided to suck out the poison out of my blood which got him killed.  And that was the primary reason for not attending the examination too. The other reason was laziness.
I hope you are well and fine and hopefully not attacked by wild animals. I once escaped an elephant attack; the trick is to lie down still and act dead. But I found it handy to always carry dead mice in the pocket; which you can feed the elephant and establish friendship and trust.
Is it necessary to collect the book? If I collect the books, do I get it for fee?

Thanking you
Binu kumar

From: Roy Rajesh | Date: Monday  29 August 2011 11.16am | To: Binu Kumar |  Subject: College fees

Hello Mr. Bishnu,
I am sorry to hear the tragedy that happened to you and I will continue to pray for your well being. Although the wild animal thing was a bit rubbish.
The books are necessary for you only, otherwise how are you going to study? The charges for the books are included in the tuition fee and hence it’s free.
Please pay the college fees for the ongoing semester.

Rajesh
Sikkim Manipal Universi

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Monday  29 August 2011 11.45am | To: Roy Rajesh |  Subject: Re: Re: College Fees

Hi Rajesh,
While going through your badly written, grammatically incorrect email, I suddenly realized that you have raised a valid point regarding why the books are necessary for my own good. However firstly due to my extreme laziness to carry the books around and secondly due to my sincere effort to save the trees, I would like to accept the books in e-book formats like epub or PDF (soft copy).
I currently do not have the cash and therefore would like to request you to kindly accept my cow as a payment. Although it is a weak and thin cow, it still yields around half liter milk every day.

Thanking you
Binu kumar

From: Roy Rajesh | Date: Tuesday  30 August 2011 10.40am | To: No subject | Subject: Re: Re: Re: College fees

No, we do not accept cow as a payment. Please stop your nonsense and make sure you pay the college fees. We don’t have soft copy version of the book so you may collect the same book whether you like it or not.

Rajesh
Sikkim Manipal University

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Wednesday  31 August 2011 08.12am | To: Roy Rajesh | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: College Fees

Hello Rajesh,
I realize with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the cow due to  it being a very thin cow but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I would like to give you another cow which I won in a village football competition as full payment for any amount outstanding. The football was made out of socks. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.
The benefit of cow over cash is that, you can earn double in a year by selling water mixed milk. Even if the cow dies of a lightning strike, you can still enjoy the meat.

Thanking you
Binu kumar

From: Roy Rajesh | Date: Thursday  01 August 2011 02.11pm | To: Bishnu kumar | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: College fees

Dear Bishnu,
I already made it clear that we will not accept cow. Why are you joking with us? We do not eat cow meat, we are Hindu and we worship cow as a goddess.
I have just two things to say; pay the college fees and also collect your books. I don’t have time to waste reading your silly email.

Rajesh
Sikkim Manipal University

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Thursday  01 August 2011 03.07pm | To: Roy Rajesh | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: College Fees

Mr. Rajesh,
I really had a great hope to settle our dues with the cow. However it was a complete foolishness of me to assume such a stupid transaction and waste your valuable  time whatsoever  in the process. I owe you an apology.
Let‚Äôs forget the cow. I would like to make the full payment with the scooter. It‚Äôs a 1990‚Äôs model Bajaj Scooter. It’s in a good condition and only takes one hour to reach office from home, and that includes often stopping in the midways for repair. My home is 3 kilometer away from office.
Just to sweeten the deal, I‚Äôd like to throw in two¬† XXX-L size pants and a 2 kilo bag of poultry food so that you don’t feel like you’re losing again. I hope this proves beyond doubt that I am not cheating on the deal. That scooter was won by my dad on a school lottery-draw. Although one lady (whom the village suspected as a poison giver) tried to ruin the atmosphere with comments regarding my dad’s cheating by printing duplicate lottery ticket as she bore the same winning number; ¬†I mentioned to the village gup that I had overheard her discussing spells to turn the village cow‚Äôs milk sour, and the angry mob took care of the rest.

Thanking you
Binu kumar

From: Roy Rajesh | Date: Thursday  01 August 2011 04.30pm | To: Bishnu kumar | Subject: No more message

Why the hell do I ever need your third class scooter when I already own a latest car? What are those pants and poultry foods for? I don’t need them. Rather than wasting time in nonsense, do something useful. Enough with your¬† nonsense. I will mark your email as spam and won’t read it.
Take your books and get lost.

Rajesh
Sikkim Manipal University

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Friday  02 August 2011 09.46pm | To: Roy Rajesh | Subject: Re: No more message

Dear Rajesh,
I was rather shocked to see your demeaning email. Fortunately, I was sitting on a chair while reading it, not halfway through the ladder or on a tree; otherwise I would have surely fallen and broken my backbone.
I am currently collecting some money. Yesterday I organized an auction sale where I sold the neighbor’s stolen furniture. I lied saying that the proceeds will go to green peace fund but kept all the money myself, finishing same night on alcohol. I planned to sell my uncle’s land but the buyer backed off firstly due to the number of dead body found buried in the backyard and secondly on my uncle’s denial to surrender the land. I even stood outside in the street with a board that said “PUNCH ME ON FACE for 100 BUCKS” and I earned around¬† 4700 bucks from the PUNCH-ME campaign.
Do you accept kidney as a payment? Please don’t deny as I have no other option.

Thanking you
Binu kumar

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