Category Archives: jokes

Funny memoirs of an angry traveler

It wasn’t a wonderful morning; I was awakened by an irritating sound of pesky crows. My journey began from Phuentsholing. The weather was great except for the heavy rain and hailstone. I sense a bad luck today as I had a really bad dream where I was being chased by a giant black buffalo with a rifle and chainsaw. Grandma explained me over phone that such dream was a clear sign of misfortune and it would require me to immediately sacrifice a goat and burn a witch to detour the omen.  The day before wasn’t great either; as I was showering I stepped on the soap, slipped, fell facedown and hit my mouth on the floor knocking out all the front teeth and fracturing my jaw bone. While I was slowly getting up, I again stepped on the soap and fell inside the hot water with the live current still on. I had to run around the town without shirt, in my boxer short with bleeding mouth and unwashed shampoo searching for a medical store.

I reached the taxi parking. Twelve people were accommodated in a six-seater vehicle. Luckily I was on the window side. I would rather prefer being punched in my balls than imagine myself traveling a day long journey in a taxi full of strange people and playing same bengali song in loop for the entire journey. Next to me was a young Bihari girl, and after her was a big headed, short, fat and a dark guy, I forgot what other nine looked like except for one who stopped the car every fifteen minute or so due to  diarrhea. He looked identical to the guy from the movie ‘God must be crazy.’ I hated that movie anyways.

“Oh, excuse me! Could you please stop squeezing me, miss not so pretty?”  (“NO, YOU CANT CALL SOME ONE UGLY.”) “Yes I can.” The big headed guy reminded me of a boy named Tashi in my primary school whom the kids hated because of his huge head and big nose. Everyone would shout “there goes the big head” when he walked by and we would throw rocks and sticks at him. Tashi was later expelled from school when he was caught red-handed trying to hump a goat. Although Tashi had his own shares of bad as we all do, Tashi was a great swimmer and a talented grocery thief. The voice of the guy behind me is really irritating one, isn’t it? It’s almost two hours now but he’s not finished shouting over phone to his girlfriend for kissing with a guy named Pravesh; shouting at her for her reluctance to say sorry.

An elderly man in front of me, trying to convince his co-passenger about why he should vote for his party while admitting his hatred for the current ruling party for their fake promises  to build an airport in his village.

I am frustrated, I just realized an hour ago when I opened my phone to listen to music, that I left my battery in my hotel room docked in an external charger back at Phuentsholing. But the real reason for my frustration is more because of the Bihari girl vomiting on my lap for the second time.

Going through the roughest, most flooded and eroded road, I managed to glance at the sign that read ‘BRO BUILDS THE BEST ROAD IN THE AREA.’ “So this is what you call best, Mr. BRO? Or did someone misspell worst for best? Sometimes a little typo could really shatter our expectation, Mr. BRO.” The guy behind me still isn’t done shouting to his girlfriend. Now he is describing the memories he had with her; some bitter and some fond, stating how he remembers everything about her including the names of her seven cats.

Thank God, I have finally reached Sikkim although I landed in a wrong place thirty kilometers away from my destination in the opposite direction. Traveling with a co-passenger devoid of manners and respect for others is worse than sharing a sleeping bag with a grizzly bear.

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You are a douche bag!

Note: This conversation Happened in Facebook comment.
Me:
Who’s this douche?
Noyan:
What to do :P.
Me:
Check urban dictionary for douche 😛
Noyan:
 What the fuck man?? I know from where you learn this shit. Girlfriend experience huh. No wonder  why your ex-girlfriends call u a douche. But yes dude I admit that I learned it only when I heard your ex say “aw this donkey turned out to be a douche..” You know what I mean.. Don’t you?
Me:
 Absolutely, I even heard your ex call you douche bag. You know what? last time she threw a party to about 100 friends just to declare you a douche. And we all cheered “In the name of douche Nayan” before we sipped our vodka. To the crowd’s embarrassment she even mentioned about your tiny penis. But the real reason I call you a douche is after you blacked out during our show in Gelephu. later, still unconscious, you even peed in your pant. Did you remember?

Noyan: You retarded crack head!!  Your shit sounds so superficial, cooked up and unreal. Especially the number exactly being  “100”? WTF!!! Talking about the blacked out story during our show in Gelephu flash, that night was freaking cold and we all took few sips just to heat us up before  the gig actually got kicked off rite? Well I don’t remember pissing my pant but you did poop in your borrowed patched baggy cargo half pant later that night. Dude you know very well that I’m a tanker and few sips don’t even drench my throat but I don’t know why you had to take a sip if you had so low capacity?

Me: The Number 100 I mentioned was an approximate one but I’m sure there were more. I left early cause your ex started to vomit all over and curse your name. I am pretty sure she had a fight cause next day when  I went over to thank her for the party, her eye was swollen with dark spot with two missing tooth. As I was about to leave, I saw my teddy bear which went missing since a year on her table. When I asked her where did she find it; she said that you gave her for her birthday.
Coming back to the show, I still remember how horribly you sang the song ‘Zinda.’ later when a lady pointed out that you were only repeating the same stanza again and again humming through the most part, you blamed that it’s Toka’s fault on the bass. You repeated the same song for almost 35 minute till a guy threw a tomato at you and that’s when you blacked out.
I don’t know what happened but later that night, Rabgay came over to my place accusing that you stole his sneaker and a boxer short that he left outside for drying and asked me to inform him if I saw you wearing one. But I didn’t tell him that you bragged about the shoe during the show and asked the crowd to clap for your force-10 sneaker.

Noyan: Ha ha.. Here you are with another insensible shit again. Nobody sings for fucking 35 minute. Just imagine how would’ve been the condition of your nuts on drums if I sang for that long? And c’mon! man u know my size. How on earth could you think that Rabgay’s boxer  & shoes would fit me? You know very well  about his feet size n butt size. lmfao! :p
But I still regret about that awful night buddy, when you were singing “Resham” and you threw yourself off the stage over the crowd thinking that people would catch you but you slammed directly on the floor busting your nuts & few jaw bones. Your teeth were replaced with duplicate one later but again the bottom line is you still remained a douche “tiny p*****” :p

Me: I asked Toka an hour ago over phone and he said it was actually 37 minutes. He also mentioned that you offered to give him a blowjob in exchange for 20 dollar. When another guy from the audience came on stage and sang “Knocking on the Heavens Door” everyone applauded him for saving the day, but you envied him and challenged him to fight.  I just saw you running towards the store, but 5 minute later you came back to the stage with a running chainsaw threatening everyone to applaud for you.
The ladies and elder men left the hall in embarrassment after you sang  Afroman’s ‘Colt 45’ with microphone in one hand and the power chainsaw on the other, forcing everyone to sing-along.  Everyone agreed that you read out the lyric instead of singing it, often stopping to ask me for the pronunciation.
While singing, your over sized boxer short fell off revealing your worn out underwear; though there was screaming and police involved and everyone agreed that it was the worst horror-nightmare of their life.
The next day, our principle gave me a one hour lecture on how one rotten apple can spoil the whole basket while pointing out your name.

Noyan: If you post this shit on your blog, I’ll kill you asshole.

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