From: Jigme Ngedup | Date: Thursday 2 june 2011 10. 08am | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: House Rent
Hello Mr. Bishnu,
I am the manager for the building you are living in. Seems like u have not paid the house rent for last two month. I sent the assistant girl several times but you were never at the house. And she even reports of you not opening the door even after several ringing of the door bell. I had to write you email because I couldn’t contact you and the phone number you gave me seems to be a wrong one as somebody picks up the call whenever I call you n replies in Kheng kha.
I would like to request you to please drop by my office which is in the second floor to pay the rent. Thanking you and hoping for your cooperation.
From: Binu Kumar | Date: Thursday 2 june 2011 12.14pm | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: House Rent
Dear Manager Sir,
I was actually very much touched by your letter and for concerning about my health. I am fine now and I have recently stopped taking medicine.
Ooh, that time I was not at home because I was at the jail due to human bone smuggling (Please tell me if anyone of your relatives die as their bone can provide pretty lucrative business). I am recently planning to extend my business towards kidney trade too although i need prayer from wellwishers like you. The reason why I didn’t open the door to your said Assistant was because when I saw from the peep hole, her ugly face appeared to me like a zombie from Evil Dead II. So I didn’t open the door for my own safety.
Regarding the phone number, the number was initially mine. But then, I exchanged it with a villager’s Yak. It was a very weak and nervous yak with a continuous shooting diarrhea. I was coming back while riding that yak when I was attacked by a bear on the way and it killed my yak. And that’s how I lost my yak and the mobile phone.
As a payment for the rent, I have attached your drawing. The art costs around 12,000 but you can keep the change.
From: Jigme Ngedup | Date: Friday 3rd june 2011 11.02am | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Re: Re: House Rent
I don’t know what to tell of your email. To be frank I found it a little irritating, though it might be true. And I hope you are just joking about the bone smuggling as we might have to terminate your residency if it’s true because we don’t allow criminals.
We don’t accept silly drawings for the payment. You may pay in cheque or cash if you wish to stay in the building. Please you cannot call her ugly, she is pretty.
From: Binu Kumar | Date: Friday 3rd june 2011 11.33am | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Manager Sir,
Over a period of time, people have called me with their own names like faggot, gay, retard, thief, asshole, jack ass, coward, homo and many more. You may make yourself comfortable with any above names (Asshole is my favorite name though, but you may call faggot as well) or you may come up with your own creative version.
As for the leftover yak carcass, though I had to fight with the hyenas and Wild Bobcats for my share; I, pretty much managed to get intestines, one testicle, tail and both horns. I would like to give you the horn as you can use your creative villager skill to turn it into a trumpet or you can also turn it into salt container.
I knew you will not be impressed with my drawings and rather regard it as silly; because I didn’t do your mustache correctly. My bad, please allow me to present you with totally new and lively, more fun version of ur portrait.
As for you seeing her as pretty, it clearly shows that you are a pedophile.
From: Jigme Ngedup | Date: Friday 3rd june 2011 02.04pm | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
I don’t wish to call you with all those names and it is out of my concern. And please take it seriously and whatever, we don’t accept drawings and please stop sending. If you don’t pay the rent by this Saturday, I am sorry to tell you that your residency will be terminated. How dare you call me pedophile? The assistant is like my daughter.
And also we have a reported complaint regarding you playing music too loud late night, which disturbs the neighbor. Please use headphones.
Can I get your number so that I can call you to clarify?
From: Binu Kumar | Date: Friday 3rd june 2011 02.42pm | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent Dear Manager Sir,
Yes, the cockroaches are unavoidable. I tried smashing them with the slipper but over the time their number has outgrown beyond my capabilities to smash. So I will attach a polythene pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. The cockroaches would probably die of carbon Monoxide poisoning from the car smoke. The walls might become black with the smoke but it’ll be worth it.
About the music, I actually use head phones. The music I play at high volume, which probably disturbed the neighbor, is not for my entertainment purpose but to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my batman pajama while I am working with high music on the headphone or asleep.
I understand that the noise could hamper the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbors so I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons.
My new number is +975 176906547833920876.
From: Jigme Ngedup | Date: Friday 3rd june 2011 04.11pm | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Firstly the building has no complain regarding the cockroaches and secondly you are seriously warned regarding your retarded idea of killing the cockroaches with car smoke. This could lead firstly to fire outbreak and secondly a risk to your own life.
No, you cannot play music and hence you are seriously warned regarding this. You cannot spoil the walls so forget about the soundproofing. And you cannot damage the walls.
This is last warning to you. If you fail to cooperate please find another house within this month. I came several times to your house, it’s always locked. Are you joking me with your telephone number?
Please stop irritating me. Remember, this Saturday is the last day for you to pay your rent.
From: Binu Kumar | Date: Friday 3rd june 2011 07.35pm | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Manager Sir,
My kitchen has cockroaches. I read somewhere that a cockroach can survive nuclear radiation. So I am picking the dead ones and sticking them together in order to cover my walls with the dead cockroach cover to prevent nuclear radiations from penetrating my room thus saving me through the nuclear war.
And regarding your concern about putting my life to risk with the car smoke, I would like to let you know that I am using the oxygen mask that I stole from the hospital. And car smoke is not flammable so no question of the fire outbreak. And yes car gas could cause harm. I had one friend back at school who used to brag that he can inhale car smoke. So we took him towards the car parking and made him to put the smoke outlet pipe in his mouth and we waited for the teacher to start the car. We watched from far while the teacher started the car. He could hold it for one minute. The angry teacher came out of the car to find him acting dead. Later on we realized he was really unconscious and he was taken to the hospital where he luckily survived. For the rest of us who were waiting with the stop watch to see how long he could hold the smoke; we were suspended for one month.
Sorry for the long number, it was my cat who slept on the keyboard that typed all those long number. Not me.
From: Jigme Ngedup | Date: Monday 5 june 2011 09.45am | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Final Worning
You are really a retarded person. I will not reply. I am tired of explaining you. Make it by Saturday or get out of my house. I don’t need any explanation.
From: Binu Kumar | Date: Monday 5 june 2011 11.42am | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Final Worning
Dear Manager Sir,
Thanks for accepting the drawing for payment. In which case I would like to make advanced payment for next month with the drawing of you and your wife together. I will attach the drawing tomorrow.