Proof I’ll never get a girlfriend -Irritating letter

Note: This conversation happened after I commented on her Facebook picture saying “Is your face painted?” It was actually some photo effects.

Anisha Giri: Ok listen here… I don’t know you very much to begin with. And you are asking if I painted my face. Let me take that as an inquisitive comment rather than something sarcastic. I’m deleting your comment. And please don’t write such things again. Thank you.

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Your face looked like it was painted. If you don’t want people to see it and comment, just make your pictures private. And I don’t care if you deleted that comment or not, nobody cares.

Anisha Giri: even if it did.. its non of ur business .. actually was being polite to u… but i din realis that u r such a ashole.. its upto me whether i follow the privacy term or not.. but thnk u for letting me know… i shall be careful next time.

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar:  Yes I am an assholes. Internet is full of assholes, why do you expect me to comment ‘oh you look beautiful’ when you look like you just played Indian festival of color -Holy.

Anisha Giri: and also din realize there r ppl in fb ..my fren list..wer ppl are desperate to comment on sb pic.. also in such a barbaric manner… hmm. haha u write like woman. man..i am nt gud with message quarell.. i rather stop it here

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Yea, I was so desperate to comment on your picture. What do you think you are? Some king of celebrity or something off Rotten tomato’s ‘top worst celebrity of the year’ list?

Anisha Giri: perhaps i am.. just chill dude
i dont really want this ok?
ok whatever
i look painted.. fine.. agreed
Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: What’s happening with girls these days? PMS?

Anisha Giri: well.. now u want me to answer that?

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Why do you expect only positive comment that are comprised of lies? Why are there no room for true opinion? Just this morning I had to slap my girlfriend real hard, because she didn’t like when I told her that she looked like a pig.

Anisha Giri: oh don’t mistake me… i do have a room for criticism but that i take from ppl i know..whether they are worth for it or not… and u my dear friend.. i kno nth abt u except for ur name… fb name
hmm..so much for a gentleman

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: You know what? Why don’t we fight dual and solve this forever? You want justice, I want truth. Let’s have a combat and solve this.

Anisha Giri: no no.. no justice needed…thnks…gtg

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: No, Lets meet at Centenary Park, 5 PM, tomorrow for a fight. Are we allowed to carry weapons? I am sure I will win.

Anisha Giri: i am sure u will. What weapon? Are you serious?

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Yea sure, like a man.

Anisha Giri: of course.. are u insecure of ur masculinity? Now that u r arguing with a woman.. also inside a chat box

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: You are a women? I thought you were a man. You look like a man

Anisha Giri: i will take that as a compliment
u know wat im just too bored to argue… like fucking high school teen..stop it.
i look like a man.. holi face… watever the fuck
i dont fucking care.

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: You know what? World is full of thorns. You can either try to create a huge carpet to cover all the Thorne or u can just wear a shoe.

Anisha Giri: ok mr. philosopher…i will keep that in mind

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Don’t you call me philosopher, women. Don’t you dare. I hate those old retards with wits of a donkey.

Anisha Giri: so much for a comment..

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Yea you started. M depressed now, how can u be so rude? Why is everyone hurting me? I feel like committing suicide. My girlfriend broke up with me just for slapping her, now u with all your foul languages and irreverent commentary like I didn’t have enough rough day. I have never seen a person ruder than you.

Anisha Giri: really? u know im sorry bout ur gf.. im sure things will be ok… i wasnt rude.. i was asking u nt to do sth..in a polite way.. u wanted to argue. Anyway, just flush it

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: A dog also chased me n bit me on my thigh. Just before that I slipped on cow dung and hit my nose on the ground. And now you are challenging me for a dual, calling me asshole, and using all those profane languages. Who taught you those?

Anisha Giri: u know wat i thin u r decent guy.. so i take back calling u shit, using words
but please dont strt another arguement here, really not in a mood.

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: It hurts me. I never use those words to others. I don’t like someone using that on me

Anisha Giri: u said horrible things to me

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Truth is horrible. I was on mobile screen, and it looks like u painted your face. That’s why I asked you in the first place.

Anisha Giri: its cool, i told u i would take that comment as an inquisitive question n not sarcasm.

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: It’s not cool, I want to fight dual, and you called me asshole. Do you know that an ass-hole refers to a rectum of an anus?

Anisha Giri: but i have to delet it. ok please suit ursel
suit urself… u know no point of arguement here
ok.. glad to know, really don have time for this…

Funny memoirs of an angry traveler

It wasn’t a wonderful morning; I was awakened by an irritating sound of pesky crows. My journey began from Phuentsholing. The weather was great except for the heavy rain and hailstone. I sense a bad luck today as I had a really bad dream where I was being chased by a giant black buffalo with a rifle and chainsaw. Grandma explained me over phone that such dream was a clear sign of misfortune and it would require me to immediately sacrifice a goat and burn a witch to detour the omen.  The day before wasn’t great either; as I was showering I stepped on the soap, slipped, fell facedown and hit my mouth on the floor knocking out all the front teeth and fracturing my jaw bone. While I was slowly getting up, I again stepped on the soap and fell inside the hot water with the live current still on. I had to run around the town without shirt, in my boxer short with bleeding mouth and unwashed shampoo searching for a medical store.

I reached the taxi parking. Twelve people were accommodated in a six-seater vehicle. Luckily I was on the window side. I would rather prefer being punched in my balls than imagine myself traveling a day long journey in a taxi full of strange people and playing same bengali song in loop for the entire journey. Next to me was a young Bihari girl, and after her was a big headed, short, fat and a dark guy, I forgot what other nine looked like except for one who stopped the car every fifteen minute or so due to  diarrhea. He looked identical to the guy from the movie ‘God must be crazy.’ I hated that movie anyways.

“Oh, excuse me! Could you please stop squeezing me, miss not so pretty?”  (“NO, YOU CANT CALL SOME ONE UGLY.”) “Yes I can.” The big headed guy reminded me of a boy named Tashi in my primary school whom the kids hated because of his huge head and big nose. Everyone would shout “there goes the big head” when he walked by and we would throw rocks and sticks at him. Tashi was later expelled from school when he was caught red-handed trying to hump a goat. Although Tashi had his own shares of bad as we all do, Tashi was a great swimmer and a talented grocery thief. The voice of the guy behind me is really irritating one, isn’t it? It’s almost two hours now but he’s not finished shouting over phone to his girlfriend for kissing with a guy named Pravesh; shouting at her for her reluctance to say sorry.

An elderly man in front of me, trying to convince his co-passenger about why he should vote for his party while admitting his hatred for the current ruling party for their fake promises  to build an airport in his village.

I am frustrated, I just realized an hour ago when I opened my phone to listen to music, that I left my battery in my hotel room docked in an external charger back at Phuentsholing. But the real reason for my frustration is more because of the Bihari girl vomiting on my lap for the second time.

Going through the roughest, most flooded and eroded road, I managed to glance at the sign that read ‘BRO BUILDS THE BEST ROAD IN THE AREA.’ “So this is what you call best, Mr. BRO? Or did someone misspell worst for best? Sometimes a little typo could really shatter our expectation, Mr. BRO.” The guy behind me still isn’t done shouting to his girlfriend. Now he is describing the memories he had with her; some bitter and some fond, stating how he remembers everything about her including the names of her seven cats.

Thank God, I have finally reached Sikkim although I landed in a wrong place thirty kilometers away from my destination in the opposite direction. Traveling with a co-passenger devoid of manners and respect for others is worse than sharing a sleeping bag with a grizzly bear.

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You are a douche bag!

Note: This conversation Happened in Facebook comment.
Me:
Who’s this douche?
Noyan:
What to do :P.
Me:
Check urban dictionary for douche :P
Noyan:
 What the fuck man?? I know from where you learn this shit. Girlfriend experience huh. No wonder  why your ex-girlfriends call u a douche. But yes dude I admit that I learned it only when I heard your ex say “aw this donkey turned out to be a douche..” You know what I mean.. Don’t you?
Me:
 Absolutely, I even heard your ex call you douche bag. You know what? last time she threw a party to about 100 friends just to declare you a douche. And we all cheered “In the name of douche Nayan” before we sipped our vodka. To the crowd’s embarrassment she even mentioned about your tiny penis. But the real reason I call you a douche is after you blacked out during our show in Gelephu. later, still unconscious, you even peed in your pant. Did you remember?

Noyan: You retarded crack head!!  Your shit sounds so superficial, cooked up and unreal. Especially the number exactly being  “100”? WTF!!! Talking about the blacked out story during our show in Gelephu flash, that night was freaking cold and we all took few sips just to heat us up before  the gig actually got kicked off rite? Well I don’t remember pissing my pant but you did poop in your borrowed patched baggy cargo half pant later that night. Dude you know very well that I’m a tanker and few sips don’t even drench my throat but I don’t know why you had to take a sip if you had so low capacity?

Me: The Number 100 I mentioned was an approximate one but I’m sure there were more. I left early cause your ex started to vomit all over and curse your name. I am pretty sure she had a fight cause next day when  I went over to thank her for the party, her eye was swollen with dark spot with two missing tooth. As I was about to leave, I saw my teddy bear which went missing since a year on her table. When I asked her where did she find it; she said that you gave her for her birthday.
Coming back to the show, I still remember how horribly you sang the song ‘Zinda.’ later when a lady pointed out that you were only repeating the same stanza again and again humming through the most part, you blamed that it’s Toka’s fault on the bass. You repeated the same song for almost 35 minute till a guy threw a tomato at you and that’s when you blacked out.
I don’t know what happened but later that night, Rabgay came over to my place accusing that you stole his sneaker and a boxer short that he left outside for drying and asked me to inform him if I saw you wearing one. But I didn’t tell him that you bragged about the shoe during the show and asked the crowd to clap for your force-10 sneaker.

Noyan: Ha ha.. Here you are with another insensible shit again. Nobody sings for fucking 35 minute. Just imagine how would’ve been the condition of your nuts on drums if I sang for that long? And c’mon! man u know my size. How on earth could you think that Rabgay’s boxer  & shoes would fit me? You know very well  about his feet size n butt size. lmfao! :p
But I still regret about that awful night buddy, when you were singing “Resham” and you threw yourself off the stage over the crowd thinking that people would catch you but you slammed directly on the floor busting your nuts & few jaw bones. Your teeth were replaced with duplicate one later but again the bottom line is you still remained a douche “tiny p*****” :p

Me: I asked Toka an hour ago over phone and he said it was actually 37 minutes. He also mentioned that you offered to give him a blowjob in exchange for 20 dollar. When another guy from the audience came on stage and sang “Knocking on the Heavens Door” everyone applauded him for saving the day, but you envied him and challenged him to fight.  I just saw you running towards the store, but 5 minute later you came back to the stage with a running chainsaw threatening everyone to applaud for you.
The ladies and elder men left the hall in embarrassment after you sang  Afroman’s ‘Colt 45′ with microphone in one hand and the power chainsaw on the other, forcing everyone to sing-along.  Everyone agreed that you read out the lyric instead of singing it, often stopping to ask me for the pronunciation.
While singing, your over sized boxer short fell off revealing your worn out underwear; though there was screaming and police involved and everyone agreed that it was the worst horror-nightmare of their life.
The next day, our principle gave me a one hour lecture on how one rotten apple can spoil the whole basket while pointing out your name.

Noyan: If you post this shit on your blog, I’ll kill you asshole.

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I’ll report you to the police – Funny & Irritating letter

Note: This conversation happened after I posted an irritating post in B-bay. See the ad. below.

“Old, rusted, punctured Hercules-cycle for sale. Please do not ride in Gelephu coz  that’s where I stole it from. To make it a fair deal, I’d like to give away a bag of karma feed and one XXX-L army pant. Contact 17362200

Dorji: I’ll report to police..

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Thanks for the interest. Actually I value the cycle for 1200, but u seem to be a good guy so I’ll give you for 800. And also I’d like to add a pair of used woolen socks. Please wash the socks before use, as it stinks real bad and also my dog pissed on it. When are you coming to get it? Although I have another willing buyer who just messaged  me right now, but I will have to make you both fight and the winner gets to buy my bi-cycle.

Dorji: m not interested to buy ur scrap asshole…rather want to inform police for ur theft..

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: I know Nu.800 for a scrape bi-cycle was way too much. Despite that, I do appreciate your interest. Tell you what, I’ll bump the price down to 650 but I get to keep the front wheel and pedal chain. However I’d like to give away home made mosquito repellent for free, just so that you don’t feel like you are losing on the deal. The repellent is good to kill mosquitoes however side-effect includes nausea, vomiting, partial blindness, permanent blindness, skin infection, and in some cases even death; use with caution. Did you know that if you report your vehicle stolen or lost the insurance company will buy you a new one? I am burning my car to claim a new one.

Dorji: man u r unfit here,, i worry what mentality u have

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar‎: I m touched by your worry 4 my health, happiness and social acceptance. You caught me out dorji. Your super sleuth detective skills have once again outwitted me. I do agree to your professional diagnosis and admit that I am  indeed mentally unsound. Back in my village I was called cruel names like psycho and Ghantawkey not only because of my mentality but also the big size of me head. Kids would even throw stones at me. I used to sell milk in the same bi-cycle (it belonged to my uncle then), although my lucrative business was later banned after people found out that I was selling them goat milk. That’s when I stole the cycle and ran away. The village mob later mistook my grandmother for a witch and almost burnt her alive. No more discount please, I really need the money coz I am destitute of food and alcohol for about a week now. I am surviving on a diet of dead mice and lizards. :(

Dorji: dnt pollute man… be-aware

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: ‎ I do respect your pollution free philosophy. And to be frank I am also totally against pollution. But to both of our delight, my cycle does not run on gas or petrol so the question of pollution is out of the bound. However, while riding uphill I did fart; which I admit, might have added to the pollution.

Attached is the picture of possible pollution with the fart.

Dorji: What the heck??? Dont reply me.. Admin plez delete this post and block this mad guy..

Note: Lucky for me, I copied the whole conversation before it was deleted. :P

WE DONT ACCEPT COW AS COLLEGE FEE (Funny Letter)

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Saturday 27 August 2011 01. 27pm | To: Roy Rajesh | Subject: Re: No Subject

Swadikhab Mr. Rajesh,
I am not that fine and currently am admitted in the hospital.  It was a hot evening, so me and my friends planned to go to nearby river for a swim. It was already dusk when we decided to come back home. While searching for my belt in the dark I mistakenly picked a cobra. I was immediately taken to the local black magic performer who decided to suck out the poison out of my blood which got him killed.  And that was the primary reason for not attending the examination too. The other reason was laziness.
I hope you are well and fine and hopefully not attacked by wild animals. I once escaped an elephant attack; the trick is to lie down still and act dead. But I found it handy to always carry dead mice in the pocket; which you can feed the elephant and establish friendship and trust.
Is it necessary to collect the book? If I collect the books, do I get it for fee?

Thanking you
Binu kumar

From: Roy Rajesh | Date: Monday  29 August 2011 11.16am | To: Binu Kumar |  Subject: College fees

Hello Mr. Bishnu,
I am sorry to hear the tragedy that happened to you and I will continue to pray for your well being. Although the wild animal thing was a bit rubbish.
The books are necessary for you only, otherwise how are you going to study? The charges for the books are included in the tuition fee and hence it’s free.
Please pay the college fees for the ongoing semester.

Rajesh
Sikkim Manipal Universi

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Monday  29 August 2011 11.45am | To: Roy Rajesh |  Subject: Re: Re: College Fees

Hi Rajesh,
While going through your badly written, grammatically incorrect email, I suddenly realized that you have raised a valid point regarding why the books are necessary for my own good. However firstly due to my extreme laziness to carry the books around and secondly due to my sincere effort to save the trees, I would like to accept the books in e-book formats like epub or PDF (soft copy).
I currently do not have the cash and therefore would like to request you to kindly accept my cow as a payment. Although it is a weak and thin cow, it still yields around half liter milk every day.

Thanking you
Binu kumar

From: Roy Rajesh | Date: Tuesday  30 August 2011 10.40am | To: No subject | Subject: Re: Re: Re: College fees

No, we do not accept cow as a payment. Please stop your nonsense and make sure you pay the college fees. We don’t have soft copy version of the book so you may collect the same book whether you like it or not.

Rajesh
Sikkim Manipal University

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Wednesday  31 August 2011 08.12am | To: Roy Rajesh | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: College Fees

Hello Rajesh,
I realize with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the cow due to  it being a very thin cow but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I would like to give you another cow which I won in a village football competition as full payment for any amount outstanding. The football was made out of socks. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.
The benefit of cow over cash is that, you can earn double in a year by selling water mixed milk. Even if the cow dies of a lightning strike, you can still enjoy the meat.

Thanking you
Binu kumar

From: Roy Rajesh | Date: Thursday  01 August 2011 02.11pm | To: Bishnu kumar | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: College fees

Dear Bishnu,
I already made it clear that we will not accept cow. Why are you joking with us? We do not eat cow meat, we are Hindu and we worship cow as a goddess.
I have just two things to say; pay the college fees and also collect your books. I don’t have time to waste reading your silly email.

Rajesh
Sikkim Manipal University

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Thursday  01 August 2011 03.07pm | To: Roy Rajesh | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: College Fees

Mr. Rajesh,
I really had a great hope to settle our dues with the cow. However it was a complete foolishness of me to assume such a stupid transaction and waste your valuable  time whatsoever  in the process. I owe you an apology.
Let’s forget the cow. I would like to make the full payment with the scooter. It’s a 1990’s model Bajaj Scooter. It’s in a good condition and only takes one hour to reach office from home, and that includes often stopping in the midways for repair. My home is 3 kilometer away from office.
Just to sweeten the deal, I’d like to throw in two  XXX-L size pants and a 2 kilo bag of poultry food so that you don’t feel like you’re losing again. I hope this proves beyond doubt that I am not cheating on the deal. That scooter was won by my dad on a school lottery-draw. Although one lady (whom the village suspected as a poison giver) tried to ruin the atmosphere with comments regarding my dad’s cheating by printing duplicate lottery ticket as she bore the same winning number;  I mentioned to the village gup that I had overheard her discussing spells to turn the village cow’s milk sour, and the angry mob took care of the rest.

Thanking you
Binu kumar

From: Roy Rajesh | Date: Thursday  01 August 2011 04.30pm | To: Bishnu kumar | Subject: No more message

Why the hell do I ever need your third class scooter when I already own a latest car? What are those pants and poultry foods for? I don’t need them. Rather than wasting time in nonsense, do something useful. Enough with your  nonsense. I will mark your email as spam and won’t read it.
Take your books and get lost.

Rajesh
Sikkim Manipal University

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Friday  02 August 2011 09.46pm | To: Roy Rajesh | Subject: Re: No more message

Dear Rajesh,
I was rather shocked to see your demeaning email. Fortunately, I was sitting on a chair while reading it, not halfway through the ladder or on a tree; otherwise I would have surely fallen and broken my backbone.
I am currently collecting some money. Yesterday I organized an auction sale where I sold the neighbor’s stolen furniture. I lied saying that the proceeds will go to green peace fund but kept all the money myself, finishing same night on alcohol. I planned to sell my uncle’s land but the buyer backed off firstly due to the number of dead body found buried in the backyard and secondly on my uncle’s denial to surrender the land. I even stood outside in the street with a board that said “PUNCH ME ON FACE for 100 BUCKS” and I earned around  4700 bucks from the PUNCH-ME campaign.
Do you accept kidney as a payment? Please don’t deny as I have no other option.

Thanking you
Binu kumar

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