Funny memoirs of an angry traveler

It wasn’t a wonderful morning; I was awakened by an irritating sound of pesky crows. My journey began from Phuentsholing. The weather was great except for the heavy rain and hailstone. I sense a bad luck today as I had a really bad dream where I was being chased by a giant black buffalo with a rifle and chainsaw. Grandma explained me over phone that such dream was a clear sign of misfortune and it would require me to immediately sacrifice a goat and burn a witch to detour the omen.  The day before wasn’t great either; as I was showering I stepped on the soap, slipped, fell facedown and hit my mouth on the floor knocking out all the front teeth and fracturing my jaw bone. While I was slowly getting up, I again stepped on the soap and fell inside the hot water with the live current still on. I had to run around the town without shirt, in my boxer short with bleeding mouth and unwashed shampoo searching for a medical store.

I reached the taxi parking. Twelve people were accommodated in a six-seater vehicle. Luckily I was on the window side. I would rather prefer being punched in my balls than imagine myself traveling a day long journey in a taxi full of strange people and playing same bengali song in loop for the entire journey. Next to me was a young Bihari girl, and after her was a big headed, short, fat and a dark guy, I forgot what other nine looked like except for one who stopped the car every fifteen minute or so due to  diarrhea. He looked identical to the guy from the movie ‘God must be crazy.’ I hated that movie anyways.

“Oh, excuse me! Could you please stop squeezing me, miss not so pretty?”  (“NO, YOU CANT CALL SOME ONE UGLY.”) “Yes I can.” The big headed guy reminded me of a boy named Tashi in my primary school whom the kids hated because of his huge head and big nose. Everyone would shout “there goes the big head” when he walked by and we would throw rocks and sticks at him. Tashi was later expelled from school when he was caught red-handed trying to hump a goat. Although Tashi had his own shares of bad as we all do, Tashi was a great swimmer and a talented grocery thief. The voice of the guy behind me is really irritating one, isn’t it? It’s almost two hours now but he’s not finished shouting over phone to his girlfriend for kissing with a guy named Pravesh; shouting at her for her reluctance to say sorry.

An elderly man in front of me, trying to convince his co-passenger about why he should vote for his party while admitting his hatred for the current ruling party for their fake promises  to build an airport in his village.

I am frustrated, I just realized an hour ago when I opened my phone to listen to music, that I left my battery in my hotel room docked in an external charger back at Phuentsholing. But the real reason for my frustration is more because of the Bihari girl vomiting on my lap for the second time.

Going through the roughest, most flooded and eroded road, I managed to glance at the sign that read ‘BRO BUILDS THE BEST ROAD IN THE AREA.’ “So this is what you call best, Mr. BRO? Or did someone misspell worst for best? Sometimes a little typo could really shatter our expectation, Mr. BRO.” The guy behind me still isn’t done shouting to his girlfriend. Now he is describing the memories he had with her; some bitter and some fond, stating how he remembers everything about her including the names of her seven cats.

Thank God, I have finally reached Sikkim although I landed in a wrong place thirty kilometers away from my destination in the opposite direction. Traveling with a co-passenger devoid of manners and respect for others is worse than sharing a sleeping bag with a grizzly bear.

Follow me on Facebook to keep update.

You are a douche bag!

Note: This conversation Happened in Facebook comment.
Me:
Who’s this douche?
Noyan:
What to do :P.
Me:
Check urban dictionary for douche :P
Noyan:
 What the fuck man?? I know from where you learn this shit. Girlfriend experience huh. No wonder  why your ex-girlfriends call u a douche. But yes dude I admit that I learned it only when I heard your ex say “aw this donkey turned out to be a douche..” You know what I mean.. Don’t you?
Me:
 Absolutely, I even heard your ex call you douche bag. You know what? last time she threw a party to about 100 friends just to declare you a douche. And we all cheered “In the name of douche Nayan” before we sipped our vodka. To the crowd’s embarrassment she even mentioned about your tiny penis. But the real reason I call you a douche is after you blacked out during our show in Gelephu. later, still unconscious, you even peed in your pant. Did you remember?

Noyan: You retarded crack head!!  Your shit sounds so superficial, cooked up and unreal. Especially the number exactly being  “100”? WTF!!! Talking about the blacked out story during our show in Gelephu flash, that night was freaking cold and we all took few sips just to heat us up before  the gig actually got kicked off rite? Well I don’t remember pissing my pant but you did poop in your borrowed patched baggy cargo half pant later that night. Dude you know very well that I’m a tanker and few sips don’t even drench my throat but I don’t know why you had to take a sip if you had so low capacity?

Me: The Number 100 I mentioned was an approximate one but I’m sure there were more. I left early cause your ex started to vomit all over and curse your name. I am pretty sure she had a fight cause next day when  I went over to thank her for the party, her eye was swollen with dark spot with two missing tooth. As I was about to leave, I saw my teddy bear which went missing since a year on her table. When I asked her where did she find it; she said that you gave her for her birthday.
Coming back to the show, I still remember how horribly you sang the song ‘Zinda.’ later when a lady pointed out that you were only repeating the same stanza again and again humming through the most part, you blamed that it’s Toka’s fault on the bass. You repeated the same song for almost 35 minute till a guy threw a tomato at you and that’s when you blacked out.
I don’t know what happened but later that night, Rabgay came over to my place accusing that you stole his sneaker and a boxer short that he left outside for drying and asked me to inform him if I saw you wearing one. But I didn’t tell him that you bragged about the shoe during the show and asked the crowd to clap for your force-10 sneaker.

Noyan: Ha ha.. Here you are with another insensible shit again. Nobody sings for fucking 35 minute. Just imagine how would’ve been the condition of your nuts on drums if I sang for that long? And c’mon! man u know my size. How on earth could you think that Rabgay’s boxer  & shoes would fit me? You know very well  about his feet size n butt size. lmfao! :p
But I still regret about that awful night buddy, when you were singing “Resham” and you threw yourself off the stage over the crowd thinking that people would catch you but you slammed directly on the floor busting your nuts & few jaw bones. Your teeth were replaced with duplicate one later but again the bottom line is you still remained a douche “tiny p*****” :p

Me: I asked Toka an hour ago over phone and he said it was actually 37 minutes. He also mentioned that you offered to give him a blowjob in exchange for 20 dollar. When another guy from the audience came on stage and sang “Knocking on the Heavens Door” everyone applauded him for saving the day, but you envied him and challenged him to fight.  I just saw you running towards the store, but 5 minute later you came back to the stage with a running chainsaw threatening everyone to applaud for you.
The ladies and elder men left the hall in embarrassment after you sang  Afroman’s ‘Colt 45′ with microphone in one hand and the power chainsaw on the other, forcing everyone to sing-along.  Everyone agreed that you read out the lyric instead of singing it, often stopping to ask me for the pronunciation.
While singing, your over sized boxer short fell off revealing your worn out underwear; though there was screaming and police involved and everyone agreed that it was the worst horror-nightmare of their life.
The next day, our principle gave me a one hour lecture on how one rotten apple can spoil the whole basket while pointing out your name.

Noyan: If you post this shit on your blog, I’ll kill you asshole.

Comment or Like below so that I can get to you blog too!

I’ll report you to the police – Funny & Irritating letter

Note: This conversation happened after I posted an irritating post in B-bay. See the ad. below.

“Old, rusted, punctured Hercules-cycle for sale. Please do not ride in Gelephu coz  that’s where I stole it from. To make it a fair deal, I’d like to give away a bag of karma feed and one XXX-L army pant. Contact 17362200

Dorji: I’ll report to police..

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: Thanks for the interest. Actually I value the cycle for 1200, but u seem to be a good guy so I’ll give you for 800. And also I’d like to add a pair of used woolen socks. Please wash the socks before use, as it stinks real bad and also my dog pissed on it. When are you coming to get it? Although I have another willing buyer who just messaged  me right now, but I will have to make you both fight and the winner gets to buy my bi-cycle.

Dorji: m not interested to buy ur scrap asshole…rather want to inform police for ur theft..

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: I know Nu.800 for a scrape bi-cycle was way too much. Despite that, I do appreciate your interest. Tell you what, I’ll bump the price down to 650 but I get to keep the front wheel and pedal chain. However I’d like to give away home made mosquito repellent for free, just so that you don’t feel like you are losing on the deal. The repellent is good to kill mosquitoes however side-effect includes nausea, vomiting, partial blindness, permanent blindness, skin infection, and in some cases even death; use with caution. Did you know that if you report your vehicle stolen or lost the insurance company will buy you a new one? I am burning my car to claim a new one.

Dorji: man u r unfit here,, i worry what mentality u have

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar‎: I m touched by your worry 4 my health, happiness and social acceptance. You caught me out dorji. Your super sleuth detective skills have once again outwitted me. I do agree to your professional diagnosis and admit that I am  indeed mentally unsound. Back in my village I was called cruel names like psycho and Ghantawkey not only because of my mentality but also the big size of me head. Kids would even throw stones at me. I used to sell milk in the same bi-cycle (it belonged to my uncle then), although my lucrative business was later banned after people found out that I was selling them goat milk. That’s when I stole the cycle and ran away. The village mob later mistook my grandmother for a witch and almost burnt her alive. No more discount please, I really need the money coz I am destitute of food and alcohol for about a week now. I am surviving on a diet of dead mice and lizards. :(

Dorji: dnt pollute man… be-aware

Binu Creativedonkey Kumar: ‎ I do respect your pollution free philosophy. And to be frank I am also totally against pollution. But to both of our delight, my cycle does not run on gas or petrol so the question of pollution is out of the bound. However, while riding uphill I did fart; which I admit, might have added to the pollution.

Attached is the picture of possible pollution with the fart.

Dorji: What the heck??? Dont reply me.. Admin plez delete this post and block this mad guy..

Note: Lucky for me, I copied the whole conversation before it was deleted. :P

WE DONT ACCEPT COW AS COLLEGE FEE (Funny Letter)

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Saturday 27 August 2011 01. 27pm | To: Roy Rajesh | Subject: Re: No Subject

Swadikhab Mr. Rajesh,
I am not that fine and currently am admitted in the hospital.  It was a hot evening, so me and my friends planned to go to nearby river for a swim. It was already dusk when we decided to come back home. While searching for my belt in the dark I mistakenly picked a cobra. I was immediately taken to the local black magic performer who decided to suck out the poison out of my blood which got him killed.  And that was the primary reason for not attending the examination too. The other reason was laziness.
I hope you are well and fine and hopefully not attacked by wild animals. I once escaped an elephant attack; the trick is to lie down still and act dead. But I found it handy to always carry dead mice in the pocket; which you can feed the elephant and establish friendship and trust.
Is it necessary to collect the book? If I collect the books, do I get it for fee?

Thanking you
Binu kumar

From: Roy Rajesh | Date: Monday  29 August 2011 11.16am | To: Binu Kumar |  Subject: College fees

Hello Mr. Bishnu,
I am sorry to hear the tragedy that happened to you and I will continue to pray for your well being. Although the wild animal thing was a bit rubbish.
The books are necessary for you only, otherwise how are you going to study? The charges for the books are included in the tuition fee and hence it’s free.
Please pay the college fees for the ongoing semester.

Rajesh
Sikkim Manipal Universi

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Monday  29 August 2011 11.45am | To: Roy Rajesh |  Subject: Re: Re: College Fees

Hi Rajesh,
While going through your badly written, grammatically incorrect email, I suddenly realized that you have raised a valid point regarding why the books are necessary for my own good. However firstly due to my extreme laziness to carry the books around and secondly due to my sincere effort to save the trees, I would like to accept the books in e-book formats like epub or PDF (soft copy).
I currently do not have the cash and therefore would like to request you to kindly accept my cow as a payment. Although it is a weak and thin cow, it still yields around half liter milk every day.

Thanking you
Binu kumar

From: Roy Rajesh | Date: Tuesday  30 August 2011 10.40am | To: No subject | Subject: Re: Re: Re: College fees

No, we do not accept cow as a payment. Please stop your nonsense and make sure you pay the college fees. We don’t have soft copy version of the book so you may collect the same book whether you like it or not.

Rajesh
Sikkim Manipal University

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Wednesday  31 August 2011 08.12am | To: Roy Rajesh | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: College Fees

Hello Rajesh,
I realize with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the cow due to  it being a very thin cow but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I would like to give you another cow which I won in a village football competition as full payment for any amount outstanding. The football was made out of socks. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.
The benefit of cow over cash is that, you can earn double in a year by selling water mixed milk. Even if the cow dies of a lightning strike, you can still enjoy the meat.

Thanking you
Binu kumar

From: Roy Rajesh | Date: Thursday  01 August 2011 02.11pm | To: Bishnu kumar | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: College fees

Dear Bishnu,
I already made it clear that we will not accept cow. Why are you joking with us? We do not eat cow meat, we are Hindu and we worship cow as a goddess.
I have just two things to say; pay the college fees and also collect your books. I don’t have time to waste reading your silly email.

Rajesh
Sikkim Manipal University

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Thursday  01 August 2011 03.07pm | To: Roy Rajesh | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: College Fees

Mr. Rajesh,
I really had a great hope to settle our dues with the cow. However it was a complete foolishness of me to assume such a stupid transaction and waste your valuable  time whatsoever  in the process. I owe you an apology.
Let’s forget the cow. I would like to make the full payment with the scooter. It’s a 1990’s model Bajaj Scooter. It’s in a good condition and only takes one hour to reach office from home, and that includes often stopping in the midways for repair. My home is 3 kilometer away from office.
Just to sweeten the deal, I’d like to throw in two  XXX-L size pants and a 2 kilo bag of poultry food so that you don’t feel like you’re losing again. I hope this proves beyond doubt that I am not cheating on the deal. That scooter was won by my dad on a school lottery-draw. Although one lady (whom the village suspected as a poison giver) tried to ruin the atmosphere with comments regarding my dad’s cheating by printing duplicate lottery ticket as she bore the same winning number;  I mentioned to the village gup that I had overheard her discussing spells to turn the village cow’s milk sour, and the angry mob took care of the rest.

Thanking you
Binu kumar

From: Roy Rajesh | Date: Thursday  01 August 2011 04.30pm | To: Bishnu kumar | Subject: No more message

Why the hell do I ever need your third class scooter when I already own a latest car? What are those pants and poultry foods for? I don’t need them. Rather than wasting time in nonsense, do something useful. Enough with your  nonsense. I will mark your email as spam and won’t read it.
Take your books and get lost.

Rajesh
Sikkim Manipal University

From: Binu Kumar | Date: Friday  02 August 2011 09.46pm | To: Roy Rajesh | Subject: Re: No more message

Dear Rajesh,
I was rather shocked to see your demeaning email. Fortunately, I was sitting on a chair while reading it, not halfway through the ladder or on a tree; otherwise I would have surely fallen and broken my backbone.
I am currently collecting some money. Yesterday I organized an auction sale where I sold the neighbor’s stolen furniture. I lied saying that the proceeds will go to green peace fund but kept all the money myself, finishing same night on alcohol. I planned to sell my uncle’s land but the buyer backed off firstly due to the number of dead body found buried in the backyard and secondly on my uncle’s denial to surrender the land. I even stood outside in the street with a board that said “PUNCH ME ON FACE for 100 BUCKS” and I earned around  4700 bucks from the PUNCH-ME campaign.
Do you accept kidney as a payment? Please don’t deny as I have no other option.

Thanking you
Binu kumar

Like This!

Funny Letter to my landlord

From: Jigme Ngedup | Date: Thursday 2 june 2011 10. 08am | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: House Rent
Hello Mr. Bishnu,
I am the manager for the building you are living in. Seems like u have not paid the house rent for last two month.  I sent the assistant girl several times but you were never at the house. And she even reports of you not opening the door even after several ringing of the door bell. I had to write you email because I couldn’t contact you and the phone number you gave me seems to be a wrong one as somebody picks up the call whenever I call you n replies in Kheng kha.
I would like to request you to please drop by my office which is in the second floor to pay the rent. Thanking you and hoping for your cooperation.
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Thursday 2 june 2011  12.14pm | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: House Rent 
Dear Manager Sir,
I was actually very much touched by your letter and for concerning about my health. I am fine now and I have recently stopped taking medicine.
Ooh, that time I was not at home because I was at the jail due to human bone smuggling (Please tell me if anyone of your relatives die as their bone can provide pretty lucrative business). I am recently planning to extend my business towards kidney trade too although i need prayer from wellwishers like you. The reason why I didn’t open the door to your said Assistant was because when I saw from the peep hole, her ugly face appeared to me like a zombie from Evil Dead II. So I didn’t open the door for my own safety.
Regarding the phone number, the number was initially mine. But then, I exchanged it with a villager’s Yak. It was a very weak and nervous yak with a continuous shooting diarrhea. I was coming back while riding that yak when I was attacked by a bear on the way and it killed my yak. And that’s how I lost my yak and the mobile phone.
As a payment for the rent, I have attached your drawing.  The art costs around 12,000 but you can keep the change.
Thanking you
Binu kumar
From: Jigme Ngedup | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 11.02am | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Bishnu,
I don’t know what to tell of your email. To be frank I found it a little irritating, though it might be true. And I hope you are just joking about the bone smuggling as we might have to terminate your residency if it’s true because we don’t allow criminals.
We don’t accept silly drawings for the payment. You may pay in cheque or cash if you wish to stay in the building. Please you cannot call her ugly, she is pretty.
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 11.33am | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Re: Re: House Rent 
Dear Manager Sir,
Over a period of time, people have called me with their own names like faggot, gay, retard, thief, asshole, jack ass, coward, homo and many more. You may make yourself comfortable with any above names (Asshole is my favorite name though, but you may call faggot as well) or you may come up with your own creative version.
As for the leftover yak carcass, though I had to fight with the hyenas and Wild Bobcats for my share; I, pretty much managed to get intestines, one testicle, tail and both horns. I would like to give you the horn as you can use your creative villager skill to turn it into a trumpet or you can also turn it into salt container.
I knew you will not be impressed with my drawings and rather regard it as silly; because I didn’t do your mustache correctly. My bad, please allow me to present you with totally new and lively, more fun version of ur portrait.
As for you seeing her as pretty, it clearly shows that you are a pedophile.
Thank you
Binu
 From: Jigme Ngedup | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 02.04pm | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Bishnu,
I don’t wish to call you with all those names and it is out of my concern. And please take it seriously and whatever, we don’t accept drawings and please stop sending. If you don’t pay the rent by this Saturday, I am sorry to tell you that your residency will be terminated. How dare you call me pedophile? The assistant is like my daughter.
And also we have a reported complaint regarding you playing music too loud late night, which disturbs the neighbor.  Please use headphones.
Can I get your number so that I can call you to clarify?
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 02.42pm | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Manager Sir,
Yes, the cockroaches are unavoidable. I tried smashing them with the slipper but over the time their number has outgrown beyond my capabilities to smash.  So I will attach a polythene pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. The cockroaches would probably die of carbon Monoxide poisoning from the car smoke. The walls might become black with the smoke but it’ll be worth it.
About the music, I actually use head phones. The music I play at high volume, which probably disturbed the neighbor, is not for my entertainment purpose but to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my batman pajama while I am working with high music on the headphone or asleep.
I understand that the noise could hamper the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbors so I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons.
My new number is +975 176906547833920876.
Thank you
Binu

From:
 Jigme Ngedup | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 04.11pm | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Bishnu,
Firstly the building has no complain regarding the cockroaches and secondly you are seriously warned regarding your retarded idea of killing the cockroaches with car smoke. This could lead firstly to fire outbreak and secondly a risk to your own life.
No, you cannot play music and hence you are seriously warned regarding this. You cannot spoil the walls so forget about the soundproofing. And you cannot damage the walls.
This is last warning to you. If you fail to cooperate please find another house within this month.  I came several times to your house, it’s always locked. Are you joking me with your telephone number?
Please stop irritating me. Remember, this Saturday is the last day for you to pay your rent.
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Friday  3rd june 2011 07.35pm | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: House Rent
Dear Manager Sir,
My kitchen has cockroaches. I read somewhere that a cockroach can survive nuclear radiation. So I am picking the dead ones and sticking them together in order to cover my walls with the dead cockroach cover to prevent nuclear radiations from penetrating my room thus saving me through the nuclear war.
And regarding your concern about putting my life to risk with the car smoke, I would like to let you know that I am using the oxygen mask that I stole from the hospital. And car smoke is not flammable so no question of the fire outbreak. And yes car gas could cause harm. I had one friend back at school who used to brag that he can inhale car smoke. So we took him towards the car parking and made him to put the smoke outlet pipe in his mouth and we waited for the teacher to start the car. We watched from far while the teacher started the car.  He could hold it for one minute. The angry teacher came out of the car to find him acting dead. Later on we realized he was really unconscious and he was taken to the hospital where he luckily survived. For the rest of us who were waiting with the stop watch to see how long he could hold the smoke; we were suspended for one month.
Sorry for the long number, it was my cat who slept on the keyboard that typed all those long number. Not me.
Binu

From:
 Jigme Ngedup | Date: Monday  5 june 2011 09.45am | To: Binu Kumar | Subject: Final Worning
You are really a retarded person. I will not reply. I am tired of explaining you. Make it by Saturday or get out of my house. I don’t need any explanation.
Jigme Ngedup
Manager

From:
 Binu Kumar | Date: Monday  5 june 2011 11.42am | To: Jigme Ngedup | Subject: Re: Final Worning
Dear Manager Sir,
Thanks for accepting the drawing for payment. In which case I would like to make advanced payment for next month with the drawing of you and your wife together. I will attach the drawing tomorrow.
With Love
Binu